


Warm up my heart (or, the almost I love yous)

by An_Angel_A_Muse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Cas gets loved like he deserves!, Drugging, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Fluff, M/M, Sleeping Pills, Wings, mention of suicidal thoughts and depression, sam being a good brother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-09-28 04:37:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 20,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17176043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/An_Angel_A_Muse/pseuds/An_Angel_A_Muse
Summary: Everything has finally caught up to Cas and he's found himself overwhelmed. He sought a peaceful moment away from the bunker, but he was followed by one of the people that weighs most on his heart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If I miss any tags please feel free to let me know and I'll add them

   It was cold, the sky heavy and threatening to pour out the first of winter's snow. He found Cas just standing there, staring off into the cloudy white skies as he leaned back on a sturdy tree. "There you are, where the hell you been, Cas?"

   Cas turned his head to look at Dean, he didn't seem surprised to see his friend. Dean wasn't the most stealthy, even when he was trying. "I've been here." He'd answer, short and simple, then turn his face back to the sky.

   "Dude, for four hours? Didn't you hear me praying to you?" If Dean sounded angry, well, he was. Cas disappeared at some point and Dean was in a panic trying to find him. Ever since purgatory, and then Naomi, Dean didn't like not knowing where Cas was.

   Cas let out a cloud of breath and looked down, "I.. Yes, I heard you." There was a note of reluctance in his voice, a hint of a mask Cas was trying to construct. He was never really good at that though.

   "What happened to "I always come when you call"?" Dean snapped, his boots crunching on the frozen leaves on the ground as he walked over to stand in front of Castiel, forcing him to face him by being in his direct sight.

   "Dean.. Don't." Cas sighed out and looked up at Dean. His eyes held a warning, and something else that Dean couldn't quite place. Sadness?

   "Don't what?" Dean challenged, stepping closer and moving to catch his eyes.

   Cas' brow furrowed in his worry, "I don't feel like fighting with you." Cas frowned and looked to the side after holding Dean's gaze for a moment too long. "I came out here to get some peace." He'd finally murmur, it was just loud enough for Dean to catch.

   "Okay. Great. You got four hours of peace." Dean raised his hands in a shrug before dropping them to his sides, Cas winced and looked to him again at the slapping sound Dean's hands made against his jeans, "You gonna tell me what's goin on?"

   When Dean spoke again it drew his attention back to their conversation. "Not if I don't have to." Cas replied, he'd be walking away right now, if Dean didn't basically have him trapped there. He knew if he turned to go, Dean would just grab him.

   "Well, you do have to," Dean exclaimed, the frustration still lacing his tone. "I'm gonna stay here and nag you until you talk to me." Dean sighed, his features softening. "Cas, talk to me." He really sounded worried, like those past moments when they thought they were going to be separated, the careful pleading..

   "It's not easy to talk about, especially when there are things about me you can never know." Cas conceded that much. If Dean knew everything, from the ugliness of his burnt out feathers, to the way Cas truly felt about Dean, and everything between, he could lose him.

   "Seriously Cas? Dude, I've seen you at your lowest." Dean seemed to notice how close he ended up standing to Cas, one more step and they'd be right up against each other. For a split second Dean wondered if he should step back, usually, yeah, he would, but this time he really didn't want to. "I doubt there's anything you've said or done that's gonna make me walk away."

   Cas sighed and shook his head, always with the almost I love yous. "You seem so sure without even knowing. You may eat those words one day." Cas said grimly.

   "Yeah, well, what else is new?" Dean was use to things backfiring. His whole life felt like one huge backfire.

   After a minute or so, Cas finally spoke softly, like his own words might break him, "Some days I think about.. about how much easier things would be without me."

   "Things would suck without you, buddy. I'll tell you that right now." Dean said and reached to rest a heavy gloved hand on his shoulder.

   "Would they really?" Cas' gaze had dropped again, but at least he didn't make a move to leave, not yet. "I seem to complicate things and attract unwanted attention." He'd reason, hoping Dean would understand.

   "And? You think me and Sam don't do that on our own? Hell, I'm the king of complicating things." He knew that wasn't the whole truth. He knew Cas better than anyone at this point. "What else?"

   "Nothing, there's nothing else." Cas wasn't too convincing. Then again he always was a terrible liar.

   "Cas.. Don't go disappearing on me, ok?" Dean said in a desperately worried tone, he knew Cas was prone to depression, he'd even said he was suicidal at one point. He never wanted Cas to feel like that again.

   "Okay." Cas figured he could do that much. "If I plan to leave the property i will tell you. Is that fair?" 

   "Yeah, I guess it is." He'd say and finally step away to give Cas, and himself, some space.  


	2. Chapter 2

    Sam looks up from the map table when he heard the groan of the heavy metal door just up the stairs, "Great, you found him." Sam smiled, obviously relieved.

   Cas stepped in behind Dean but stepped around him to go down the stairs first. "I'm going to my room." He didn't sound happy at all.

   Sam furrowed his brows as he watched the angel walk off and turn into the hall leading to the dorms, "Oh uh, ok Cas, glad you're alright." He was met with silence.

   Dean dropped into one of the chairs with a heavy sigh, "Something's up dude." He'd run his hand down the side of his face, he was tired, and frustrated.

   Sam sat up and nodded, "Yeah I can tell, he seemed extra mopey, what happened?" "

   Nothing really. We talked.. He said some things, man. I'm worried." Dean sat forward, resting his upper half on the table top.

   Sam went quiet for a moment, almost too long, "What kind of things?" He asked but, he was sure he could guess.

   "Things like, "if I wasn't here things would be easier." I know that train of thought. The guy's majorly depressed." Suicidally depressed, that was a thought neither brother wanted to say out loud.

   After a few minutes of silence, Sam got up to get Dean a drink, knowing he could probably use it. He'd slide the tumbler over to his brother as he sat down, "it makes sense, he's been through a lot, more than we know about I'm sure, and, well.. we haven't always been there to help him through, you know?" Some family they've been to him, Sam carried his own guilt about it.

   Dean caught the sliding tumbler and took a big drink from the glass, "Yeah, I know. Fuck this sucks."

   "Well, all we can do is try to make it up to him. Treat him the way we should've been all this time. If he's.. suicidal or not, that's what we need to do." He did it. He put it to words, his friend, brother, was allowed to get this bad off, "He feels useless and unwanted, I'm sure, so, we show him he's wrong. He's wanted, it doesn't matter how useful he can be." It's what Sam wanted when he felt that way, he was positive that his brother wanted the same thing during his dark days and nights, someone to show them how much they're really worth to the world around them.

   Dean stared into his drink, swirling the amber liquid around, "You make that sound so easy." He'd sigh, "You know I'm not good with words like you are."

   Sam rolled his eyes, "Yeah, well, it's all well and good if I tell him I love him, but it's not the same as if you said it. I love him like a brother, but you.."

   Dean looked up, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights for a split second. Most people wouldn't take notice, the expression switched fast as the wall went back up. Feigning anger was just easier, "but me what, Sam?" He'd snap.

   Sam gave him this disbelieving look, he knew his brother wasn't stupid. "Come on, you already know. For on thing, you don't look at Cas the way you do me." He raise his brows for emphasis, "Those are not brotherly looks." He'd be extremely uncomfortable if Dean looked at him the way he looked at Cas.

   Dean glanced away and downed the rest of his drink. "I don't know what you're talking about." He'd mumble. He knew exactly what he was talking about, like hell he was gonna go there.

   Sam's disbelieving expression quickly dropped into impatient bitch face, like dean's denial flicked a switch, "Yeah, sure you don't. Just go talk to him or something, he shouldn't be alone and you're probably the only one he'll talk to right now."

   Dean sighed, "Yeah.." Nothing more was said as he stood to walk to Cas' room 


	3. Chapter 3

    Dean steeled himself as he stood in front of Cas' door, he felt like some nervous kid or something, "Hey, Cas, can I come in?" He'd say after knocking.

   Cas looked up from where he was sitting in his chair, he contemplated ignoring him, but that might get his door kicked in, well, more like Dean would hurt himself trying to knock in the heavy door, "The door is not locked."

  Dean smiled nervously, even though Cas couldn't see him through the the door. "Great." He'd step into the room and lean back on the wall next to the door. "How are you doing?" He internally winced, that was the dumbest thing to ask considering their previous conversation.

   Cas eyed Dean before turning his gaze to another wall, "The usual I suppose. I doubt you came here for small talk Dean." He accused and looked down at his own hands, clutched in his lap.

   Dean gave, a lopsided smile, an idea hitting him. "Nope, I wanted to check on you, and see if you wanted to watch a movie or something with me."

   Cas quirked a brow, "Sam's too busy again?" That had to be the case, Dean's excuse was always that Sam's busy with something. He knew he was second choice, last choice, for everything.

   Dean shrugged, "Beats me, I didn't ask him." He'd scratch behind his head and give Cas this sheepish, guilty look, "The other times I said Sam was too busy was more uh.. a cover I guess?" He hadn't planned on making any kind of confessions, yet here he is. Sam did say Cas needed to feel wanted, so first step taken.

   Cas' brows furrowed as he tilted his head, "Why would you think you had to hide the fact that you wanted to watch a movie with me? That makes no sense."

   Dean let out a huff of air, "I don't know, I just.. It's a weird thing, it's always just been me and him until you came along. Guess I've been trying to figure it out."

   Cas stands, moving to stand in front of Dean, "then figure it out, or tell me to leave. I can't exist in this in between." He was at his limits, emotionally speaking. He wasn't even suppose to have emotions and this has been the worst roller coaster ride.

   Dean straightened up from the wall, the action just put him closer to Cas, but the angel showed no sign of retreating, no giving Dean space. "It ain't that simple Cas."

   "You've had years. Do something with that." Cas challenged as he stared into Dean's eyes. He eventually turned and moved away to give Dean some space, "just go Dean. I'm not in the mood for a movie."

   "Doesn't have to be a movie, we can talk, we can not talk and just hang out and be lazy, listen to music? I'm down for whatever." Dean was almost pleading with the suggestions he made. Cas couldn't be alone, but Dean couldn't force it without feeling like shit.

   Cas could only feel this paranoia. They almost never spent time alone together. He'd squint and turn back to Dean, "why do you suddenly want to "hang out" with me for no reason? You've never asked to before, unless it was to watch one of your cowboy movies, or you needed something from me."

   Dean felt a pang of guilt sit heavy in his chest, he realized this was his own fault. If he'd treated Cas with more care, if he wasn't so selfish, maybe this wouldn't happen like this. "It's not suddenly, Cas. It's not for no reason." He felt the sting behind his eyes, but he refused to cry. Stupid emotions. "I don't do it enough and I kind of just realized that." He'd put a hand up when Cas opened his mouth to speak. "This is not pity. Truth is, we both need it. A lot. You'd be helping me too." If he craved anything, Castiel's attention was the strongest, something he only ever admitted silently to himself.

   Cas sighed, he couldn't deny Dean, he never asked for anything, not anymore, but he was asking this. "We could listen to some music as we "hangout and be lazy"."

   Dean grinned, "great, let's go to my room, I have an awesome setup in there with an old boombox I made from parts I found a while back. Surround speakers too." He suddenly seemed like an excited kid as he went to hold the door open for Cas. 


	4. Chapter 4

   "Perhaps.. Music wasn't the wisest choice." Cas stated with a shaky breath as he wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his coat. things had been going wonderfully, until a certain song began playing that just made him feel so heavy.

   "I'm sorry Cas, I should've pulled out the more lighthearted stuff. I wasn't thinking." Dean mentally berated himself, telling himself how stupid he was, how he screws everything up, he screwed up with just one song.

   "No, I suppose your weren't." There was no venom in his words, he'd calmed enough that his voice barely shook, but he didn't want to look at Dean.

   Dean watched Cas, after a moment of that though, he was glancing around the room, "Okay, then, start over? I can put on some better tunes." He'd offer, willing to try to fix this.

   Cas let out a resigned sigh, "Don't bother. It won't be any help."

   Dean let out a huff and sat on the edge of the bed next to Cas, "Well, silence is better for talking, you got anything you need to tell me?"

   Cas glanced over to Dean, a brow lofted, "Since when have you wanted to talk with me like this? You don't do feelings and confessions."

   Dean shrugged "I don't know, I mean, I always want to talk to you. Just never let myself." He'd slouch forward and frowned in thought, "I like talking to you, Cas. I like spending time with you. I just.. I just never gave myself the chance."

   Cas closed his eyes for a moment and dropped his head, "Dean, is there something you need to tell me? Perhaps you should be doing the talking."

   Dean sat up, "something I need to tell you? Don't turn it around on me, man, I asked you first you know." He kind of panicked when it was turned on him.

   Cas sighed, linking his own fingers together and staring at his hands, "Yes, I know. I just don't know how to say what I need to."

   Dean nodded and looked over to Cas. "Can I make a suggestion? When you can't say, you can do. Actions can be easier is all."

   Cas sat up and looked over to Dean, he looked like he was going to say something, or do something.. He'd leaned toward Dean some, his eyes darting from his eyes to his lips. Dean thought maybe he was going to be kissed, but Cas suddenly stood, "I should go."

   "You don't have to." Dean said, hoping he could sway him.

   "Goodnight Dean." Cas said as he left Dean's room, door closing gently behind him before he hurried out of the room.

  


	5. Chapter 5

Sam saw Cas rushing from his room and frowned. Partly out of curiosity, mostly out of concern, Sam went to the door Cas had retreated behind to give it a knock, "hey, it's Sam. Can we talk?"

Cas opened the door and stared up at Sam, "what's with everyone suddenly wanting to talk to me?" He'd walk away from the door to let Sam in.

Sam walked in and sat on the edge of the bed as Cas sat in his chair. "Okay, I'm just going to say it. Dean told me about what you said to him outside. It kind of just hit us both, you've been there for us through everything, even when you screwed up it was because you wanted to help us." He'd shake his head when Cas started to speak, "let me finish, ok?" He'd ask softly, his expression full on puppy dog eyes. Not on purpose, this time. "All this time we've been saying we're family, but we've been a really shitty family to you. We want to fix that. And to fix that you need more than words, we're new to this still, probably not that great at it, but we want to do right by you, we have a lot to make up for."

Cas swallowed thickly, his gaze dropped to the floor as he processed what he was being told. He wanted to tell Sam that he was wrong, that they've been a wonderful family to him, while there were good times, he couldn't say that in honesty. "Okay."

"Okay." Sam said it as if he was releasing a breath he was holding. "Cas, I don't know how long it's going to take Dean with this, he's got so much more baggage than me, but I know he's going to try his best."

Cas nodded, "I can tell already, he is trying, but he's also holding back."

"Yeah, he's going to take a lot of patience. Just remember that we love you, ok?" Sam watched Cas, sort of gauging his reaction, "I mean it."

Cas looked up when Sam said they both love him, he didn't get to hear that often, "Sam.."

Sam stood to pull Cas up into a hug. "I'm serious Cas. You're my brother and I love you. No matter what."

Cas just stood there, his hands clinging to the back of Sam's shirt as he was hugged. Eventually he took a ragged breath, not knowing really when the tears started to fall. "I love you too, brother." Those words felt so good to be able to say out loud. 

When he pulled back from the hug Sam still had the remnants of the grin his words had caused. "It's going to be ok. Just be patient with Dean. He'll come around." Sam said and gave Cas' shoulder a light squeeze. "I'm gonna go grab a snack and head to bed. Maybe you should try to talk to Dean again? I know he loves you too, he just doesn't know how to express it. Love scares him."

Cas could only nod, the way Sam spoke about it, the way Dean supposedly loves him is very different from the way Sam loves him, but then it could be wishful thinking. "Alright, I'll go talk to him." He'd stand to follow Sam out of the room, going the opposite way from Sam, to Dean's room.  



	6. Chapter 6

   Dean hadn't moved much since Cas left. He'd flopped back on the bed, legs hanging off, and stared at the ceiling, mentally playing all his screw ups like a really shitty movie that's only purpose is to hurt. He'd hurry to dry his eyes when he heard his door open and would sit back up, "hey Cas, uh.. What's up?"

   Cas stood inside the cracked open door, "Dean.. I'm sorry I ran away." He'd step inside and close the door behind himself, "I'm not good at this either I guess."

   "No, it's cool, you needed a breather and you got one." Dean shrugged and shifted to a more relaxed posture.

   "Yes, well, Sam came to speak to me, I understand now what you two are doing.. I appreciate it." He'd look down at the floor, his shoes the focal point for now, "I don't see why I'm worth the effort, but who am I to tell anyone where they should spend their effort."

   As Cas spoke Dean stood and walked over to him, placed his hands on Cas' shoulders, "I know you don't see it right now, but you're worth all the effort and so much more. We.. I never should have let you believe otherwise." When it really came down to it, Dean did know how to use his words.

   Cas looked up in surprise, caught by Dean's gaze, another almost I love you? "You're right, I don't see it.."

   Dean pulled Cas in, wrapping his arms around his angel and holding him tightly, "you don't have to see it right away. I see it."

   Cas dropped his head to Dean's shoulder and wrapped his arms around Dean in turn. "Thank you, Dean." His voice was thick with threatening tears and Dean started swaying with him, the way someone would do to comfort a distressed child. It was endearing, soothing, he never wanted to leave this.

   "Stay with me tonight?" Dean eventually asked, "I know you don't sleep, but I could try to stay up with you. We can binge watch a show, or just relax together."

   Cas pulled back to look at Dean, "you need to sleep, it's how your body repairs itself.. Regardless, I'll stay. I would like that."

   Dean smiled, "yeah? Great, that's great." And now he was a giddy kind of nervous again. Cas is going to stay over, in his room, invited.

   Cas returned the smile, it was contagious, and beautiful, and before he could think, or stop himself he leaned forward and softly pressed a kiss to his lips.

   Dean froze on the spot, it felt like his heart stopped in that moment. He couldn't believe it, Cas really kissed him. Before it could register that he should kiss him back though, Cas was pulling away.

   "I'm sorry, Dean, I wasn't thinking." He said in a rush as he made for the door. Dean didn't let him get to the door. He grabbed Cas by the arm and swung him around to face him again before catching his mouth in a kiss, much less chaste, a bit less gentle.

   Cas found himself clinging to Dean again, his back pressing against the door as Dean trapped him with his body. He'd moan and kiss him back, head tilting and lips parting to allow Dean to enter and explore his mouth.

   Dean echoed the moan and rocked his hips, pressing himself against him, growing arousal obviously evident. Dean found himself not caring anymore, this was part of sex. Dean was good at that at least. Hopefully he won't wake to an empty bed, he didn't want this to be like all the others.

   Cas ground back against him as he felt Dean's hard cock press into his hip, shuddering at the friction. He'd start to walk, guiding Dean forward, to the bed. When the back of Dean's legs hit the bed all it took was a gentle push to have him fall back onto the bed with a gasp. Cas would just look at him for a moment, wondering how he ever deserved this beautiful human. Dean's eyes were wide, as Cas crawled over him, the pupils blown out, making his green eyes dark. 

  Dean sat up and Cas paused, noticing the worry on his face, he was scared. "Whoa uh.. wait.. Are you sure about this, I mean, don't you gotta think about it more?" Dean asked, stalling.

   Cas had thought about it, for years. He wasn't going to pressure Dean with it, instead he'd sit back and give a soft nod, "If you don't want this, it's alright Dean. I'll love you no matter what shape or form our relationship takes."

   Sometimes Cas was a little too open and honest about his feelings. Dean's amazed he hasn't passed out from his breath stopping, or his heart hadn't exploded. Cas literally told him he loves him. Not matter what. He'd be stupid to pass on that. "No, Cas, I want this. I so, so want this. I'm just kinda nervous I guess."

   Cas sighed in relief and moved off of Dean. "Then we'll just.. be."

   "Just be?" Dean asked confusion evident, "Okay..."

   Cas laid a hand on Dean's chest to guide him to lay back down and moved to lay on his back next to him, "Yes, just be. Until this feels better."

   "Cas.." Dean turned his head to look at the angel.

   "Yes Dean?" Cas turned his head and they locked eyes.

   "Just gotta tell you, it's not about this feeling good, ok? It.. it does."

    "It's not something you're use to. I know." Cas went back to staring at the ceiling, "We have time." at least he hoped so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean this to be a slow burn.. but it might turn into one ^^; oops?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe not THAT slow burny..

   Dean woke up early, a tangle of limbs and warmth that confused him until he'd gotten his bearings, "Cas?" he'd croak out, voice gruff with sleep. 

   "Good morning Dean." Cas greeted him as if this was a regular occurrence, like he always had Dean pretty much wrapped around him as the hunter slept.

   "Good, ah, good morning." He'd shift a bit, considering moving away since he was awake now.. last minute decision had him resting back down against Cas. If the angel didn't mind, who was he to stop?

   At least a half hour went by quietly, Cas' hand heavy and warm as he stroked up and down Dean's back. He watched Dean's reaction as he rubbed out the tense muscles. He tensed himself every time Dean let out a moan as the knots were worked out.

   No words were said, Dean sat up and pressed his lips to Cas'. This was a new kiss between them. It was no longer unsure, neither rough nor gentle, though with the way Dean was pressing his body flush against Cas, there was certainly need.

   Cas moved to rest on his side, his hand giving a last stroke before stopping at the small of his back. He'd pull him closer if he thought there was space between them.

   Dean began tugging at Cas' clothes, there was space between them, too much, and it was occupied by cloth. It didn't take Cas long to get the idea, he'd sit up and away. Dean didn't care much for the sudden distance but he got to watch Cas undress this way too. Dean's was fast, tshirt, jeans, socks, he left his boxers on for now. Cas however had much more layers, took far more time, and removed every bit of his clothing.

   Dean could do nothing but stare for, what he felt like, eternity. Cas was more beautiful than his imagination gave him credit for. The angel tilted his head at him, "Are you alright Dean? This.. this is ok?"

   Dean let out the breath he'd been holding and reached for Cas to pull him back down, "Yeah Cas, I'm great. Guess I'm just wondering what I did to deserve this." Dean replied as his hands already explored, tracing over the muscles of shoulders and chest slowly.

   Cas gave a smile and leaned to press a brief kiss to Dean's lips as his hands rested on Dean's hips. "You exist. That's enough for me."

   Dean couldn't help the whine that escaped from himself at hearing that answer, he couldn't believe it was enough, but he held onto that, Cas said it, that's his truth.

   "What changed your mind?" Cas asked as he trailed soft kisses along Dean's neck.

   Dean took a breath, "You were here. I don't mean that like, ya know, you were here so whatever.. but you were _here_. I woke up and there you were, so close, and everywhere and.. and I want more of that."

   This almost I love you was the strongest of all. it wasn't the exact words but Cas melted from them just the same as if they were. "I'll always be here Dean." Again they locked lips, their bodies moving in time with each other. Cas reached to remove Dean's boxers and the hunter tensed. "Dean?"

   "Don't stop. I'm good, just don't stop." Dean said breathlessly and shifted on the bed to tug the small piece of clothing for underneath himself.

   Cas was encouraged by Dean's words, don't stop, and now he didn't plan to. He'd push Dean back and Dean let him, resting on his back as Cas fit himself between Dean's legs. He'd rock his hips, letting out a moan as their cocks slotted and rubbed together.

   Dean shuddered at hearing the deep voice, he already sounded wrecked and it went straight to his cock. "Fuck.." he'd huff out and press his head back into his pillow.

   "That is.. uh.. the general idea." He figured he was pushing it with the sass, but this is part of him Dean likes too, maybe.

   Dean let out a surprised chuckle and hooked a leg around to pull Cas' hips into him, pulling him in harder and causing them both to let out a groan..

   Cas reached a hand down between them, taking both of their hard and weeping shafts into his hand and beginning to stroke him with the movements of their hips grinding into his hand.

   Dean was the first to cum with a sharp gasp and wide eyes as his body arched toward Cas. That sight was enough to tip Cas over the edge, he'd cum right behind him, letting out a breathy moan as his body shuddered.

   They laid together, both still catching their breaths as this time Cas rested his head against Dean's chest, listening as the rapid heartbeat gradually slowed to normal. Dean eventually fell back to sleep, his arms around Cas slowly loosening as he slipped deeper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where is this fic going? I don't even know .-.


	8. Chapter 8

   When Castiel was sure Dean was in a deep sleep he got up and set about the task of cleaning up. Of course he used his grace in order to clean both of their bodies, everything else he did by hand, finding and picking up their clothing, covering Dean so he wouldn't get cold while he was away. He'd borrow one of Dean's "dead guy" robes and with a glance to the bed he'd slip out of the room.

 

   Cas wasn't planning on being gone all that long, just a trip to the kitchen to be sure the coffee was set to start later on, when the others were due to get up. He wasn't expecting Sam to be in there, having his breakfast, dressed for his morning runs, "Sam?... what time is it?"

 

   Sam looked up and on seeing Cas' appearance rose his brows, "Had a good night? ...don't answer that. Um.." Sam glanced down at his watch, "Nearly 6am. I'm getting ready to head out for a couple of hours."

 

   Cas went over to the coffee machine, making sure to set the auto on for a few hours from now. "I.. ok, I won't answer that." He'd set a filter into the pot and carefully filled it with just the right amount of coffee grounds. He furrow his brows as he stared into the coffee tin, "if you don't mind, we're out of coffee." It always struck Cas as strange, yet comforting, the sort of human normalness he had found himself fitting into. Nothing at all exciting was going on right this second and it was great, except for the nagging fear that it wasn't going to last, that he'd screw things up, some way or another.

 

   "Hey, Cas, you doing ok?" Sam asked, snapping Cas back to the here and now.

 

   "Yes." He'd set the coffee tin down and turn to give Sam a smile, "I'm ok. I suppose I was just thinking. I won't keep you from your run, I should get back to Dean's room."

  


 

 

   Dean had begun to stir nearly as soon as Cas had left the room. His groggy mind took inventory, he was naked, but clean and covered up.. no Cas. Maybe he dreamed it and Cas was still sulking in his room. He'd yawn and sit up, running a hand down the side of his face. Taking a look around his room, he spotted his clothes neatly folded on the desk, next to Cas', the trench coat hung nearby on the back of the chair, "ok, where ever he went, he's naked. Cas I swear you better not be streaking around the bunker. We talked about this after the incident with the bees!"

  Cas smirked at hearing Dean was awake, and lively as well. He'd open the door to Dean's room, putting on a stern face before Dean could see him. "Don't be absurd, Dean. I was crazy at the time. I borrowed a robe this time." For some reason beyond him, Dean still looked a little panicked.

  "You were walking around the bunker.. in that? You didn't see anyone like that did you?" Dean knew he was most likely digging himself into a hole, but he couldn't stop and Cas had gone from his happy morning mood to gloom. And it was his fault.

   "I.. think I understand. My apologies." Cas turned to the desk to begin dressing. "I assumed too much and overstepped. It's fine. I get it."

   "It's not like that Cas', come on. So I panicked, I'm sorry." That sounded weak, even to himself.

   "What is it like then, Dean?" Cas turned to face him, mostly dressed, save for his coat and jacket tucked under an arm and his unbuttoned shirt, "You want us but you don't want people to know? You're going to panic every time you think someone has found out? I'm done sitting on the fence Dean, and I thought you were too." So much for crawling into bed with a sleepy, cuddly Dean. He turned away and slammed the door behind himself before Dean could respond. There was the crash of something breaking against the wall, but Cas steeled himself and willed himself to walk away. By the time he reached the map room he was fully dressed, he'd climb the stairs slowly and give a last glance around before just leaving.

  



	9. Chapter 9

   Dean was pissed, and it was completely with himself. Being pissed meant he needed to destroy something. That poor bedside lamp didn't stand a chance. "Dammit Cas, get your ass back here! I wanna actually talk to you, not yell at empty air!" He ended up grumbling to himself as he pulled clothes on, the usual layers, plus winter gear, cause who knew where he had to go to chase down Cas.

   Cas didn't go far. He found himself walking down a park pathway and turning sharply when he hear a familiar voice. It seemed Cas had stumbled upon Sam's running route.

   "Hey Cas, what's up?" Sam asked as he slowed to a walk and fell in step beside Cas.

   "The usual I suppose. Your brother is an ass. That's nothing new." Cas mumbled bitterly.

   "Ok, what'd he do? I'm not above kicking his ass for being an idiot." it wouldn't be the first time.

   "He didn't like the idea that someone might see me wearing his robe. He said he panicked." Cas pocketed his hands and frowned at the ground as they walked.

   "Ok, yeah, he needs his ass kicked. But he'll figure it out. Fighting is good for him. I think he'd get bored if everything was perfect anyway, you know?" Sam stole a quick side glance at Cas, poor guy looked as if the weight of the world was on him.

   "You did say it'd take patience with him." Cas replied and pinched the bridge of his nose.

   "You ok Cas?" Sam stopped when Cas did, watching him closely with concern.

   "I'm fine. He's angry and worried and being very clear about said feelings via prayer. I shouldn't have left like i did. I told him I'd always be there."

   Sam rests a hand on Cas' shoulder. "it'll be ok, you don't need to always be there. It's not good for you or him for you to be at his beck and call. Just let him cool down for a few more minutes before you go back. You need the time for yourself too, right?"

   "I suppose so.." Cas sighed and resumed walking, "I'm keeping you from your run, don't worry about me."

   "First of all, telling someone not to worry doesn't keep them from worrying. Secondly, I'd rather walk with you while you're here. Besides, I was due to slow down for a few minutes.z'

   They walked on in companionable silence, but Cas was plenty distracted, pointing out birds in the sky, interesting plants that grew on each side of the path, named off different trees and their ages. "I should return to the bunker, Dean's gone silent." Cas finally said and turned about, ready to leave the way he came. "I'll send him a text and let him know you're heading back." Sam answered.

   "Thank you Sam. You've really helped, being here for us." 


	10. Chapter 10

   Dean walked along the side of the road, the guy can't fly so he figured he couldn't have gotten all that far already. He seemed to be wrong as there was no sign of Cas. "Dammit man, where are you?!" he'd sigh and turn back to go home, maybe if he waited there Cas would eventually return.

So he waited.

And waited.

And waited..

Sam came home from his running.

   "You seen Cas?" Dean asked, he'd kind of nested down at the map table, empty bottles, books, magazines surrounded him.

   "Not for a couple hours. He said he was coming back, he never did?" Sam asked as he came down the stairs and took it upon himself to pick up Dean's mess.

   "Would I be askin, if he came back?" Dean scowled and got up to help clean up, or throw a bottle, he hadn't decided which yet. He felt anxious, angry, worried he needed an outlet.

   "Dean, don't get snappy with me. I'm not the one that made him run off." Sam winced as the words came out, that didn't sound so bad in his head, voicing it though..

   "You know what.. fuck you too little brother." Dean slammed a bottle down on the table and stormed off.

   "Dean, _come on_ , I didn't mean it like that.." the day just got better and better.. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the violence begins, just to warn you. 
> 
> If you'd like to skip the violence, scroll to the notes at the bottom please :)

   Cas' day wasn't any better. On his way back he was ambushed. The abductors caught him by surprise and knocked him out cold. He hadn't a clue where he was, or how long he'd been out of it. He was chained to a rafter in the basement, by his neck and arms. He had just enough chain that he could sit or lay down when he needed to. Someone had taken his clothes, but they were replaced with a thread bare pair of sweatpants. Castiel took a glance around, no angel warding sigils to be seen.. no kind of sigils at all. So, they didn't know what he was when they nabbed him. they were just normal kidnappers? Good, that gave Cas an advantage. His attention snapped to the stairs as heavy footfalls could be heard. He'd narrow his eyes and tilted his head up in defiance.

   "So, you finally woke up. About damn time." this man was big, like a grizzly bear type, his voice sounded like he'd smoked six packs of cigarettes a day since he was born, didn't smell much better either.

   "Why did you bring me here? What do you want?" Cas demanded, he was determined not to show fear, though he wasn't in the best position.

   "Was bored. You looked fun. You looked like no one would come looking for you. You look like a new toy." The man sneered and walked into Cas' space, grabbing him by the jaw.

   Cas jerked his head away from the unwanted touch and sent the man a chilling glare, "You're wrong. I will be looked for. I'm friends with some very scary people. I am a scary person."

   The man just laughed and shoved Cas backwards, making the chains snap taut, the cuffs would leave bruises and had definitely broken skin. "You don't look all that scary to me. Your friends are no worse I bet. Now.. Let's play."

   Cas could only watch in horror as the man undid his belt and pulled it from the loops, this couldn't be happening. He'd kick at his captor as he was pulled up by the chains, only to be back handed and have his chains hooked up so high his toes couldn't even touch the ground. Suddenly Dean being panicked that morning seemed so trivial. He wanted to go home.. Cas continued to look defiant, even as his captor whipped him with the belt, gloating about how he belonged to him and laughing as he made a game of seeing how many bruises he could lay into his captured toy. Something obviously unsettled the man, every time he locked eyes with Castiel his blood ran cold and the swing of the belt came down harder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas was knocked out and abducted by a big bear of a man. He woke up in chains and the abductor began torturing him for entertainment.


	12. Chapter 12

   Sam knocked on Dean's door loudly, open laptop in his other hand, "Dean! We have a problem." He'd huff when he didn't get an answer, so he'd just barge in without an invite. Even with Dean so angry and hurt by his words he'd never totally lock Sam out, well.. unless it was huge.

   Dean sat up and pulled the headset from his head, "Sam, what the hell?"

   "Just.. Just shut up a sec ok?" Sam pushed Dean's legs off the bed so he could sit by him with the laptop.

   "Shut up he says. Ok _what_?" Dean would cooperate, it seemed important, but like hell he wasn't gonna pout about it.

   "Ok, I went on a hunch, Cas disappearing like this doesn't feel like the usual, when we know we'll see him back in a few weeks, so I started digging." Sam brought up some stills from the traffic camera on the street not far from the park. "According to the time stamp, he was abducted barely five minutes after he left from talking to me."

   Dean scooted up quick, sitting closer to Sam to get a better look at the screen, "Shit.. _shitshitshit_.. we gotta go after them." Dean said and jumped up to get his coat and boots.

   "Whoa, slow your roll. We need to track the plates. Traffic cam got a good picture of it, and I have someone running the plates now.. so we have to wait." Sam said as he watched Dean start to pace.

   "I can't just do nothing Sam. I mean fuck, he thinks.." He'd give Sam a desperate look, which Sam returned.

   "I know, he told me. If it helps I think I made him understand things better. He was coming back to talk to you."

   Dean scrubbed his fingers over his scalp, "that.. doesn't make me feel better, Sam." They both jumped when the computer sounded an email alert, Dean practically ran back to the bed, only to be disappointed as Sam read the email.

   "Stolen plates. They'll keep us posted.. A van with matching plates was spotted about 15 minutes from here but that's all they have." Sam shut the laptop and look to his brother, "there's more."

   Dean was about to go out of his mind with all of this. He didn't like the lack of control he had, didn't like not knowing.. all he really knew was it was his fault. always his fault. Next thing he knew he was being shaken by his shoulders.

   "Dean, breathe ok? Listen to me. We'll get him back, but we can't do that if we panic. Now, remember the case a few weeks ago that we passed on to the local authorities cause it turned out to be normal human criminal case? They apparently dropped the ball. From the look of the van and the way Cas was taken, it's this guy."

   "Humans. Of course. You know this probably doesn't make this case easier right? Humans are nuts." Dean was released when Sam saw Dean's head was getting into the right place. If he treated it like a case he could normally separate, except the case is Cas, which made Dean hellbent on killing the 'monster'. "Ok, gear up, we're gonna do some in person investigating. First place, police station. We're gonna make damn sure they know they screwed up." 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More violence coming in this chapter guys. I tried to keep it vague.

   Cas lost track of how long he'd been hanging there exactly, his shoulders were pulled out of joint and his skin was one big bruise. He could tell his captor was starting to get bored with beating him, since he'd left him alone. Cas tried to struggle against the cuffs, looked around for any way out of this mess.. He couldn't heal himself, who knew what this man would do to him if he found out what he is.

 

   Cas hung his head and closed his eyes when he heard the footfalls coming down the stairs again, if he thought Cas was passed out, maybe he'd leave him alone for now? But no such luck.

 

    "Now lookie here at what I found in that coat of yours. Pretty fancy knife you got. Let's play with it."

 

   Cas picked his head up, going wide eyed, "No.." He'd scream as the blade was drawn down the middle of his chest. Now the man was happy, he found something that got a reaction. He either didn't notice or didn't care about the trail of light bursting forth with each slice.

 

   Eventually the man got bored again, that or he ran out of space for more cuts. Cas was left alone once more. Probably was expected to bleed to death where he hung. Cas was more stubborn than that, but he was running out of hope, with no way to escape. All he could do is wait and hope that Dean and Sam figured out what happened.

 

 

   The brothers did their thing, they'd walked into the place like they owned it. Jobs were threatened, policemen were lectured and shamed for dropping the ball on the case, Sam and Dean were given full access to the files on the case and resources at their disposal. If only it was always so easy, there wasn't much that most people get to see that's scarier than a pissed off Winchester, let alone two at once.

 

   "Ok so the guy's a cop killer, like crazy. took out four before disappearing and laying low for a few years. Surfaced again, that's when we handed the case over.. same deal, two dead cops, the guy disappears, but not as long as the first time it looks like." Sam spoke as he flipped through the folder of paperwork. "Guess he got sloppy."

 

"Great, no one will miss him then." Dean said dryly.

 

"Yeah. It looks like it's always the same van, just different plates. How'd this guy get away with this for so long. He didn't _get_ sloppy. He just is."


	14. Chapter 14

    After hanging from the rafters for about an hour, untouched, someone came down the stairs. Th footfalls were lighter, quicker. Cas didn't bother looking up, until he heard a woman's voice.

 

   "Hey! You still alive or what?" she ask loudly and shake his chains. Cas shuddered from the pain, but refused to make a sound. He did pick his head up to give her the same defiant glare he gave the man. She'd laugh and shake her head. "Please, look at you, you're one big wound now mister. Too weak to do a damn thing." She'd say and lift the bucket she'd been carrying to pour the cold water over his head. It served as relief as much as it did to torture. "My brother doesn't like his toys stinking too much you know."

 

   "And you.. don't care.. that your brother is doing this?" His voice was dry, so much rougher, raw from his screams.

 

   "Should I care? I don't know you and I don't know any of his past toys." She'd walk over to loosen the chains and drop Cas to the ground with a thud.

 

   "You'll regret this." he'd growl out, but he found it difficult to support himself after being hung from the ceiling for so long.

 

   "Ha, sure, I'm terrified right now." She'd leave him there after that, not bothering to lock the door on her way out. Now Cas could really have a look around, as soon as his legs could support him again anyhow.

 

 

 

    Sam and Dean rushed out of the police station and to the car to take off. "This is as close as we're going to get definite." Dean said as he gripped the steering wheel and peel out of the parking lot.

 

   "Yeah, 5 minutes ago at the gas n sip about.. 2 minutes from here?" Sam said and jerked the suit jacket and tie off to toss into the back seat. "The guy's gotta be local."

 

 

 

    Cas eventually was able to get to his feet, every move was painful, every step was like walking on broken glass. He really was like one giant wound. Thanks to the weapon used against him, it'd take a while to heal. He'd barely gotten up and around when he heard heavy footsteps upstairs. His eyes darted around on the floor and he'd go to lay right back down where the woman had dropped him. Now all there was is to stay calm.

 

   The man came down the stairs again, carrying Castiel's blade, again. The only way Cas new this was because the blade was being dragged along the wall, probably leaving a trail in it's wake.

 

   Castiel bade his time. The man stopped in front of Cas and spat on the ground, barely an inch from his hand. "Get up, I know you're faking it." When Cas refused to move he was kicked in the gut, the pain had him curling in on himself, but he'd been hit much harder by much stronger creatures before. When the man became impatient he'd grab Cas by the hair to pull him up, force him to stand. This is what Cas had been waiting for.

 

The man was suddenly met with that glare, for only a split second. Before he even knew what was happening, Cas slammed both shackled wrists down on the larger man's clavicle. A crunch was heard but neither men were done. Cas, as weakened as he was, was still stronger and faster. Ignoring his pain he'd dart forward, knocking his blade from the man's hand, breaking his arm in the process and catching his blade in his other hand. He labored for breath as he stood over the crumpled hulk of a man.

 

"Who.. what are you?" the man cried out and scooted back on the floor. Cas had just enough slack in the chains to loop around the man's neck.

 

"I told you. I'm a scary person." He'd slam his blade down into the man's chest, killing him quickly, too quickly for what he deserved.

 

There was a gasp by the stairs and Cas' gaze snapped to the woman that had dumped water over him. She turned to get away, back up the stairs, but Cas threw his blade, sinking it between her shoulder blades. Only then did Cas let himself collapse, "I needed that blade.." Now he had no way to get out of his chains, not in the state he's in now. So.. he waited.


	15. Chapter 15

   Sam slapped Dean in the chest a few times "Here here here! Pull over that's the van!" They'd been driving around for what felt like a few hours, they narrowed down the search area and just went.

 

   Dean came to a sudden jolting stop and darted out of the car after checking his gun, Sam ran close behind him.

 

   "Don't you think we need a plan? We shouldn't go in guns blazing like this." As urgent as this felt to him as well, it'd be stupid right?

 

   "To hell with planning." Dean said, not even sparing a glance back at Sam before kicking in the door. "Fuck, did we walk into an episode of the hoarders?" He'd wave his gun forward, sending Sam off to search in one area of the house while he went in a different direction.

 

   "Dean! Found the basement door!" Sam said and took off down the stairs. When he suddenly stopped, Dean almost ran into him from behind and was about to gripe at his brother when he spotted Cas passed out on the floor, every inch of him bloody. "Shit, Cas!" Dean darted around his brother and slid to a stop before hitting his knees next to Cas, "Hey buddy, come on, you gotta wake up."

 

   Sam hung back, stooping to pull the blade from the woman's back and then walking over to check on the giant lump on the ground. He was impressed, Cas did a number on the guy. Sam looked over as Cas started to stir and walked over to stand by Dean.

 

   "Dean? Sam?" With Dean's help he'd sit up and look between the two of them, "What took you so long?"

 

   Dean let out a laugh, sure it was funny, but he was so relieved. He wanted to hug Cas or something, but he wasn't sure if he'd just do more damage.

 

   It was Sam that got to sass back, "Sorry, traffic was hell to get through today." He'd use the blade to slam through the chains, "We'll get those cuffs off of you too, but let's get out of here guys."

 

   Dean tossed Sam the keys before helping Cas stand, "You ok to walk? ..probably not ok to go up the stairs huh?"

 

   Cas looked up to the staircase and shook his head, "I'm barely able to stand. I only can because of you." Dean was holding him up pretty much.

 

   Sam tucked Cas' blade away in his jacket, "Ok, Dean, carry Cas, I'll get the doors and make sure the neighbors don't see anything."

 

   "Okay.. well, sorry, this is probably gonna hurt." Dean warned before scooping Cas up bridal/princess carry style. "Only way I figured I could without hurting you a bunch."

 

   "This is fine Dean.. can we leave?" Cas asked as the hand that wasn't pinned clung to Dean's shirt.

 

   "Coast is clear guys, get up here and I'll pull the car up closer." Sam called down the stairs.

 

 

 

   When they got to the car, dean slid in back with Cas and got to working on the cuffs with his picks as Sam drove. "Well, hey, at least we can go home, no shitty motels. No one to pay off for being hush hush about the bloody, half naked man."

 

   Cas sighed, he wanted to roll his eyes, but it did sound good.

 

   "No bloodstained towels to leave behind for housekeeping." Sam said and slowed the car. Almost home, "Also.. glad we have a private garage. Sooner we can get you in and cleaned up the better, right Cas?"

 

   Cas nodded and rested his head on Dean's shoulder, "Yeah.."


	16. Chapter 16

    Dean just watched Cas the rest of the drive, he'd never seen him this messed up before. To think it took just a simple human to wreak this much havoc, even so, it could've been worse. The psycho had him for a day, what if they took longer?

   By the time they'd drive through the tunnel and into the garage to park Cas was asleep. This was concerning enough as it is, since he doesn't sleep. Sam parked the car and got out to help Dean get Cas out of the car, the angel let out a pained sound at the tugging, even as gentle as they were trying to be. "Sorry Cas, we gotta get you out of here."

   "I know.. I would help more, but I am stiff all over." He was at least trying to help, but he was slowed down. "That man took the liberty of beating me with a belt for.. I don't know how long.."

   Dean growled, "Asshole deserved a slow death. It's enough the way he died though. You did awesome, beating the guy down like that in your condition." he'd shake his head and moved to pick Cas up and walk him into the bunker to carry him to the showers while Sam went in search of the first aid box .

   "It was pure adrenaline, I'm not doing so well now that's worn off." Cas admitted and winced as he was sat down on a wooden stool.

   "Yeah, adrenaline's one hell of a drug." Dean said and moved to get some clean, wet wash cloths. "Speaking of, uh.. think painkillers will do you any good?"

   "It couldn't hurt to try it, since I'm in the state I'm in." Cas winced as Dean brought the wet cloth to a wound on his forehead.

   "Sorry, this is probably gonna feel like more torture." He'd sit back on his heels to look Cas over, "If I can just clean and sew up the big cuts first, I could just get you into the shower after."

    "They're not all big cuts?" Cas said in disbelief.

    "Well.. how big is big is up for interpretation. I guess I should say I'll sew up what needs sewing, but yeah, you have some that'll just patch themselves up."

   Dean and Cas both looked up when they heard Sam enter the showers. "Ok, I grabbed everything I could find. I'll make a first aid run as soon as we get Cas settled in. I'll go alone." he'd say the last bit like he was making a point. "Man, if they weren't going to ask a dozen questions I'd say we need to get him to the hospital. Why aren't you healing like normal Cas?"

   "He used my blade.. Angel blades were made to damage and kill supernatural beings, including angels, unfortunately. I'll most likely heal the same as a human does, at least until the scarring stages."

   "Kinda makes you wanna go back to hell to get a hold of that dick, huh Sammy?" Dean was digging around the box for antiseptic and sutures. When he came back he handed some of the supplies to Sam, "If we both work it'll be done a lot faster."

   Sam nodded and took the supplies, "Not much makes me wanna go back there, but yeah. For this I would." He'd get started on disinfecting, Cas tensed and did his best to stay still, not be too loud.

   "You're not ...seriously considering.." Cas clenched his jaw and grabbed onto Dean's arm, he wasn't using it yet.

   "We're not. It's nice to think about, but there's more important things to do, like get you healed up." Dean said and put his free hand over Cas' clinging one.

   "Yeah, I think it's a good idea to have at least one of us here with you at all times, at first anyhow. So, it's small hunts now. I can handle those." Sam said and looked to Dean.

   Dean patted Cas' hand for him to let go and got into his task, he followed behind Sam, sewing up what Sam cleaned. Cas tried to zone out for most of it, only becoming aware when he was being stood and his ratty sweats taken off.

   "Hey there he is. We're gonna get you into the shower now. You're all stitched up." Dean said as Sam came over to support Cas so Dean could dress down and get the shower going.

   "Remember Dean, lukewarm." He'd sigh when Dean waved him off and went to the shower. "I'm hoping having it lukewarm will help. When I get busted up it doesn't seem to hurt the wounds too bad. How're you holding up?" Sam spoke to Cas softly, trying to be casual but gentle.

   "Besides the passing out, and the pain," he'd clear his throat and take a shaky breath.

   "I know, it's almost over. I'm gonna hold you up and let Dean wash you off. We got baby shampoo for times like this, it doesn't hurt as much as regular soap."

   "Yup, and after that we'll bandage you up and get you into some clean clothes." Dean said as he came out of the showers to motion Sam to bring Cas. "Then you're stayin in my room, on the memory foam. And before you argue, I wanna be able to watch over you, and the memory foam is probably the one thing you can lay on without a lot of pain." 


	17. Chapter 17

   "I don't think I have the energy to argue right now." Cas mumbled as he was walked to the shower, the water stung, but it wasn't near as bad as the cold water he was doused with earlier that day. The shampoo hurt, or was it the hands and wash cloth? Maybe it was all of the above? He couldn't imagine how it'd feel if this was the mild option, but he tolerated it well, it meant he was getting the filth of that place washed off of him. With the shower, the scent that had lingered with him from that man's basement was soon forgotten.

 

   Cas had apparently fallen asleep again, that or was passed out. It was probably for the better. When he came to he was dry and being dressed in one of Sam's t-shirts, it was long enough to nearly hit his knees. When Dean noticed he'd woke he'd give a smile.

 

   "Hey sleeping beauty. We thought we'd spare you the irritation of a waistband while you're as bad as this. That ok?" Dean asked as he moved to scoop him back up. Sam draped a robe over him for warmth and decency before Cas was carried off.

 

   "I'll get more to you tonight too." Sam told Cas and then looked to Dean, it was obvious he was worried, Cas was barely responding, just nodding his answers. "I'll dig through some research and see if I can find anything that'll work as a painkiller for him. We should probably check the bandages a least every 4 hours.. Now he's showered off, sponge baths might be enough til he can shower again."

 

   "Heh, look at you being all smart, Dr. Sam." Dean teased, hoping to lighten things, even a little. "Ok, you do your research and doctor thing, I'll go be nurse."

 

   Sam opened the door for Dean and gave him a pat on the back before walking down the hall to get started on the library.

 

   Dean kicked the door closed behind him and laid Cas down to gently pull the covers over him. He then went around the bed to rest on the other side, propped up on spare pillows against the headboard.

 

   "...Dean." Cas' eyes were open, tiredly looking at Dean.

 

   "Hey, shouldn't you be resting?" nevertheless Dean turned on the mattress to face him.

 

   "I'm sorry.. this is my fault.. I shouldn't have-"

 

   Dean interrupted Cas, "No, this is not your fault. If we're playing the blame game, it's my fault, got it? The fuckin.. robe thing.. it's so stupid, I shouldn't have freaked out."

 

   "I shouldn't have ran." Cas closed his eyes as Dean started to stroke his hair, probably the only place he could touch Cas without hurting him right now.

 

   "I shouldn't have made you run.. Anyway, none of that matters now. What matters is getting you healed up." Dean insisted. Cas nodded silently and let out a tired sigh, any other time he'd never be able to sleep, but now he had more trouble staying awake. It was probably for the better.


	18. Chapter 18

  It was so warm and comfortable Cas didn't want to wake up, or move. As he slowly reached consciousness, though, the pain started to shoot through him again. He heard a whine and wasn't even aware it was himself. He'd shift a bit and shudder at the deep, aching, stiff feeling, it was a familiar feeling, now the rest of his body matched how his wings always felt anymore. Speaking of his wings he felt something odd about them.

   Dean had been drifting off and on through the night, it was difficult to sleep, not because Cas was there, but because Cas was there and injured like this. The last wake up was a total shock. Cas had rolled over to tuck himself against Dean's side, and then there were feathers. Feathers attached to frail looking wings. There were bald patches and scars, and the feathers that were left were a total mess. With Cas asleep, totally unaware, his expression wasn't hidden, he felt terrible. Cas deserved to have his wings the way they were meant to be. He always imagined that his wings would be big and beautiful beyond words, not this. It wasn't much, but he found he could do _something_ at least. He'd run his hand along a battered looking feather, and then another, straightening them, up by one.

   Eventully there were no more feathers to fix, at least that he could reach. His wing looked better now, not the best, but better. He heard Cas whine when he moved and stroked his feathers, trying to comfort him.

   Cas eventually managed to open his eyes and would look up, "Dean?" He was disoriented and confused.

   "Hey sunshine. How're you feeling?" Dean asked as he continued to stroke his feathers.

   Cas was indeed comforted, it made him want to drift off again because of how gentle and soft Dean was being with him. "I feel like a hellhound's chew toy." he'd reply. A sudden realization hit him, it definitely served to keep him awake, "My wings.."

   "Oh, yeah, they kinda just.. appeared? I dunno, I thought humans weren't suppose to be able to see them, but here we are." Dean said in an amazed tone. He'd always wanted to see them, the shadows he'd glimpsed in the past were only teasers for him.

   "I can allow them to be seen at will. Though sometimes.. pain.." he'd trail off and look away with a sigh, "I didn't want you to see them like this," though he made no moves to remove his wing from Dean's hands. "Are you disappointed? They're ugly, useless and disgraceful.. the condition they're in, I-"

   "Shh, Cas calm down ok? Yeah I'm disappointed, but not for the reasons you think. They look painful, you deserve so much better. I uh, I tried to fix some of your feathers for you. I hope that's ok."

   Cas nodded, "Ok.. They are painful, but I'm use to that; as for the rest of me, not so use to it." He'd blush, thinking about how Dean must've carefully laid his feathers in the right position, smoothed them all out. "Yes, it's ok that you did that.. but only you." 


	19. Chapter 19

   "Only me huh? That some angel thing?" his tone was curious, but it was that kind of curious when you wanna know more about things but don't want anyone to think you really care. Cas knew that tone well. It irritated the crap out of him.

   "Yes, only you and it is an angel thing." if he wasn't in too much pain to move, he'd have done more than just roll over to face away, he'd have left the room. Maybe it was a good thing he was stuck, it would've been too touchy, too reactive. He felt too much at the moment. He panted for breath once he'd rolled over, his hands fisting into the blankets uncomfortably.

   "Whoa hey, Cas, look I'm sorry I pried ok? Maybe I shouldn't have asked.. are you ok?..." Dean sat up a hand hovering, stopped before touching him and unmoving.

   "It seems... I didn't think it over well enough.. rolling over." Cas answered between heavy breaths. Dean hurried off the bed and around to face Cas.

   "Okay, how can I help without causing you a lot more pain?" He'd been eying Cas as he asked that, the angel's wing was tucked under at an awkward angle and some of the bigger wounds had started to bleed through the shirt he was wearing, which had gotten twisted tightly around him. "Okay, uh, let's sit up huh?"

   Cas looked up at him wide eyes and gave a quick, nervous nod. He'd reach a hand out for Dean to grasp and pull him up. It probably looked easier than it felt, Cas had clenched his jaw so hard that he thought he might break his teeth.

   "Ok, it's ok, you're up, it's almost over." Dean reassured Cas. There was no way he was getting that shirt off of him with those wings. It was beyond him how they even worked out with the shirt on, but he knew better than to question these little things. He'd dig a pair of scissors out of a dresser drawer and grab the box of first aid supplies, "Ok, buddy, let's see what the damage is."

   Cas sat still as best as he could, holding himself up was an effort at the moment. He shook, his feathers trembled as Dean settled onto the bed behind him. Dean didn't know at first what to do to stop the shaking, so he just acted on a hunch and started petting the outter side of his feathers, "It's ok, only thing I'm cutting back here is this shirt, I promise."

   "I.. I know. Just do it quickly." the rest of him shook but at least his wings relaxed. Dean worked fast, cutting through the cotton, peeling it away from his back, in some place or another that was literal, considering the bleeding.

   "Ok, shirt's off, just gonna clean up and put a fresh bandage on you." He worked as he spoke, never stopping even as he explained. As Dean put the last bandage on Cas he'd get off the bed and come around to face Cas. "For the next part you can lay down, but is there a way you can lay so your wings don't get in your way?"

   Cas shook his head, watched as Dean pulled away the last of the cut up tshirt, untwisted and rearranged the blankets covering his lap, "I would have normally just laid on my stomach, but I don't think that's possible right now. I don't have the energy to make my wing imperceptible, so.."

   Dean peeled back a bandage to clean a chest wound and put a fresh bandage on, "Ok, well, what if you laid on you back, just with them spread out kinda?"

   "Dean, that would more than take over your whole bed." Cas protested even as Dean pushed gently and guided him to lay back. Somehow he'd tugged on the wings in the right ways to keep them from folding back like usual.

   "So I'll sleep someplace else." Dean shrugged and went about checking other wounds.

   "No.. this is your bed you shouldn-"

   "Cas I swear if you finish that sentence you're gonna end up eating this cotton ball." Dean held up said object and gave Cas a pointed look.

   "Dean... that's disgusting. It has cleaner and blood on it." Cas said, eyes narrowed at the offending ball of fluff.

   "Yeah, so?" Dean asked and set about his task again.

   "So, you could at least make me eat a fresh one."

   Dean had to stop what he was doing to laugh at what Cas had said, "Fuck man, I shouldn't be laughing right now." Except Cas had an amused smile on his face as he watched Dean laugh at his joke. Even with all the cuts and bruises that smile was gorgeous. When Dean saw it he just couldn't resist bending down to press a kiss to Cas' lips.

   Cas froze for a moment, that was one way to make him be quiet. He'd close his eyes and bring a hand up to cup Dean's cheek. A gasp of breath was released when Dean parted the kiss.

   "I'm not going anywhere, Cas." Dean said and stood from the bed, pulling the covers over Cas' chest and looking the bed over. "Okay, I could pull another bed in.." that would be a two person job though.. "Or.. uh.. hold on." he walked around the bed, Cas' curious eyes on him as he crawled into the bed, the whole way he was fussing with feathers, moving them so he didn't bend or break more than was already damaged. He'd give Cas that proud of himself smirk and the angel could only blush softly and roll his eyes.

   "Alright, this works." Cas said before he settled in to sleep. 


	20. Chapter 20

When Sam went in to get them up, Cas' bandages needed checked again, they both needed to eat, though he knows Cas isn't going to like that much, he gave the door a light knock before just going in. If he didn't have things to do, he probably would've just quietly left. Cas was all covered up, Dean sleeping on top of the blankets, which could only mean Cas was naked now, but Cas had the wing that Dean was laying on curled around him and... wait.. "Holy crap wings."

 

"Good morning to you too Sam." Cas grumbled and rubbed a hand over his eyes as he turned his head to look over, "I uh.. bled through the shirt you lended me.. and it had to be cut off." Nothing like early morning confessions.

 

   "Right, uh.. don't worry bout it, I mean, I figured something like that would happen.. I thought we weren't suppose to be able to see angel wings." Far from being shy about anything at the moment he was half concerned and half in research mode. Sam pulled a chair over to sit by the bed so he could get a better look, which somewhat annoyed and made Cas anxious, but then he didn't know Sam's thoughts about his wings yet either.

 

   "Usually you can't. Unless we show you. We say you can't at all just so we won't be asked over and over." He was watching Sam with wide, nervous eyes.

 

   Sam was respectful though, naturally, if they go to all the trouble to keep their wings unseen, touching is assumed to be a no-no. "I can understand that, some of us are stubborn brats. I bet Dean was thrilled, you know he's been wishing he could see them since you met?" Sam chuckled softly and looked over Cas toward Dean, still snoozing away.

 

   "That long? He never made it known to me." Cas said, puzzled, "I should've known anyhow."

 

   Sam shrugged, "he's good at hiding things usually. So how do they feel? They don't look all that comfortable." he'd get up to get the first aid box and sift through it for supplies.

  

   "They look ugly you mean?" He'd flinch and look over to Dean who had given him a hard shoulder poke. How long was he awake?

 

   "Not ugly." Was all Dean said before sitting up and yawning.

 

   "He's right, they're not ugly. They look kind of badass." Sam said. Cas gave him a disbelieving look, so Sam went on. "No really. I mean think about it, your wings are damaged from battle right?"

 

   "One battle." Cas said and glanced over to Dean, "Even knowing the damage it caused, though, I'd do it again."

 

   "Cas..." Dean whined and rubbed the back of his neck, to which Cas only smiled.

 

   "Well, there you go. Badass battle scars. Once we get the rest of you all fixed up, we'll work on getting your wings healthy again too. Before you say it, no, it's not impossible, there's always a way. Now let's get your bandages changed."


	21. Chapter 21

    Getting all of Cas' bandages changed was quite the ordeal. They had to restitch the wound going down his chest and really clean out a deep one on his side and restitch that. By the end of it all he really wanted to just go back to sleep, but Sam wouldn't let him. "Nope you gotta get up, at least for a half hour. You need to eat something."  
    "Sam, I don't eat. I'm not human." Cas said irritably, he should know this.  
    "I know Cas but you're badly wounded. You need the fuel, it'll help you heal up. We'll go to Dean's recreation room, it's a bit cooler and you can rest on a recliner while you eat."  
    "Yeah man, let's just give it a shot, huh?" Dean said as he stood up and stretched. "I'm gonna carry you again if that's ok. We'll dig around storage later for a wheelchair." He'd offer Cas a hand to stand up, should make picking him up a little easier.   
    Cas sighed and gave a nod, he didn't like feeling helpless, it wasn't his nature to be, yet here he is. He'll have to tolerate it for now. "Alright, I'll try." He'd clasp Dean's hand, gritting his teeth as he was pulled up to stand.   
    Dean carefully pushed Cas' wings in close to the angel's back before scooping him up. He was so much heavier with his wings, but like hell Dean would let the difference show on his face. Sam tucked a robe around Cas and opened the door for them and walked out behind them, taking on the duty of door opener.   
    "I have oatmeal in a crockpot in the kitchen, how does that sound? I can chop up some fruit, add berries." Basically he planned on giving Cas the same diet as himself. He wasn't sure how Cas would handle any kind of meat, even though he was fine with it as a human, there were no promises as an angel.   
    "Food in general isn't appetizing.. that might be ok though.. maybe." Not that it mattered, he knew Sam was right, he needed to eat.   
"Ugh, rabbit food." Dean teased, as he walked behind Sam, then again, "He needs more protein than that right now man. Iron too."  
    Sam nodded, he'd thought about that already. "Lunch is gonna be a protein shake with added suppliments. I know it doesn't sound like much, but trust me, it's enough.   
    Dean stood Cas on his feet once they reached the kitchen and tied the robe about his waist.   
    "Well, I'm at your mercy for the time being." he gave in. They could do whatever, if they think it'll help him heal, he'd Just hope they were right.   
    Sam pulled out a stool for Cas and with a bit of wing arranging he sat to eat. Dean sat close behind him, an arm across his shoulders, providing support, in more ways than one. A bowl was placed in front of both Cas and Dean, in spite of his complaints he actually like this breakfast, couldn't hurt to add some bacon and eggs. If he had to eat like them for support then for Cas he'd do it.   
    Cas got halfway through his oatmeal before he started dozing off, Dean had to catch him from face planting into his bowl twice, "Ok, I think breakfast is over. Come on buddy." Dean stood to scoop Cas up.   
    "I'm sorry, I couldn't finish it all.." Cas said sleepily as he was tucked against Dean's chest. Before anyone could react or argue Cas had fallen asleep.   
"Okay." Sam said with a sigh, "I'll give him a smaller portion next time. Didn't realize he thought he had to eat it all."  
  
    For lunch, Cas got to stay in bed. Sam gave him a cup with a lid he could drink from. He found what he was given.. interesting. It was thick, a bit of a grainy texture. He focused on that. Taste was always gonna be too much for him. The boys had carried a tv in and set it up, hoping it would encourage Cas to stay awake more, sit up a little more. Currently Cas was shoulder to shoulder with Dean, sipping from his cup as they watched the movie.   
    "I don't get why they didn't eat the chicken. I mean come on, you need to eat more than, what, fruits, seeds, nuts? And that chicken is a safety hazard. Oh, of course he'd eat the heart. Damn."  
    Cas could only chuckle at Dean's rant, "Perhaps she is too attached to it, like a very stupid pet."  
    Dean snorted, "Yeah, that's probably it. People like dumb pets."


	22. Chapter 22

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, there was of course the changing of bandages and a lot of sleeping on Cas' side. Sam stayed with Cas so Dean could go have a break, he had to fight to get him to leave the room to take care of himself.

Sam took a breath and sat in the chair by the bed, feet propped up on the edge of the bed as he opened a book to read. 

"So stubborn, the both of you. It's a miracle either of you wins an argument." Cas said and carefully and slowly rolled to his side to face Sam. 

Sam looks up from his book and gives a little smile, "Wouldn't be us without a heavy dose of stubborn. I thought I was gonna have to pick him up and toss him out." He'd look down, fingering the edges of the pages of the book in his lap. "He likes spending time with you, and I know he's just really worried, but he still needs a break you know? Get a shower, food, a beer, unwind."

"I'm not so sure that Dean is capable of unwinding. Well, when he gets worried anyhow, until the thing that worries him is resolved." Cas closed his eyes and let his head sink down into the pillows more, "What are you reading?"

"Yeah, that's Dean alright." Sam closed the front cover of his book to look over the title. "It's just this old book, I found it in storage... It's really a child's story, but.." he'd shrug. 

"Children's books can be very good for something light and interesting, which is it?" Cas asked curiously. 

"Oh, uh, the velveteen rabbit. Basically it's about a toy rabbit that wants to be real. Uh, do you want me to read it out loud? It's not incredibly long." Sam opened the book at the first page. 

"I think.. that would be nice." Cas said, feather's rustling as he half folded his wing over his side to settle in more.

Sam nodded, "Okay." He'd turn the cover page and passed over the front index, he'd clear his throat before he began, "There was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be; his coat was spotted brown and white, he had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined with pink sateen. On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged in the top of the Boy's stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming."

 

Meanwhile, Dean had set about his task of taking care of himself so Sam would stop griping at him. He had food, a nice hot shower, and now he sat in the library to check on emails, finding nothing but junk mail. "Fuuck I'm so bored." he said to no one and stood to go to storage to dig through books, maybe he'd get lucky and find a magic heal all or something. That lasted about 20 minutes before he gave up and decided to go back to the room. 

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"  
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."  
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.  
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."  
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"  
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."  
"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled."

Sam was still reading to Cas when Dean arrived to the room, rather than disturb the scene he leaned on the doorway to just watch. Any other circumstance and Dean might have teased Sam about it, but this was sweet, even Dean had to admit it. 

When Dean finally did disturb the scene, it was quiet. He gestured to Sam for him to keep reading as he crawled into the bed behind Cas to listen as well. He laid close to him, but enough distance that he could stroke soft feathers, it had Cas relaxed when he did it before. The only response he'd get from the angel was a fluffing up of feathers that made him smile. 

Sam paused for a moment as Dean settled in and turned his page, "The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."  
The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him." 

Neither brother missed how relatable this story must be to Cas, but the angel never stopped it or interrupted. He kept his eyes closed, soaking in the story, soaking in the attention he was receiving from both. It was alien to him, but he found he enjoyed it. 

By the end of the book Dean and Cas had dozed off. Sam closed the book and stood, setting the book in the seat of his chair and moving to pull a blanket over the both of them before leaving them to their rest.


	23. Chapter 23

    Cas insisted to be brought to the kitchen again the next day. "I can't stay in that bed for days on end Dean. It's.. boring." he'd fuss as Dean helped him down the hall.

  
    "Okay, yeah, it can be boring, but it's a hell of a lot less painful, yeah?" He had a close up look at the pain on Cas' face and he hated it. "You should be in bed resting still."

  
    "I would have gone with or without you, Dean." Cas huffed and paused for breath.

  
    "Why do you think I'm helping you now, huh? You'd probably fall or something and get even more busted up, we'd have to redo your stitches on top of that, which would suck." he'd sigh, hold out his hand to Cas, "Come on, at least let me carry you the rest of the way. We're only halfway through the hall and you're winded."

  
    "Sorry, am I going too slow for you?" Cas grumbled and straightened up to walk again.

   
    "No, well yeah, but that's not why. I mean, you should be saving your energy. You need all the help you can get, to heal up." He'd follow very close behind Cas, but the angel stopped suddenly. "Cas?"

  
    "I uh.. I'm sorry. I think I'll take you up on the offer to carry me.." He'd take a breath, "In other words, I need to you pick me up before I fall down."

  
    "What.. shit!" Dean rushed to scoop Cas up when the angel had started to sway. "Alright, bed for you."

  
    "No, I said I wanted lunch in the kitchen."

  
    "Cas, man, can you even hold yourself up at the table?"

  
    Cas blinked, brows furrowing in thought, "..not for an extended amount of time."

  
    "See, we're gonna-"

  
    "That's why you're going to let me stay in your lap."

  
    Under better circumstances Dean would have dropped Cas. He almost did, but the thought kicked in that it'd be terrible if he did.. "Uh.. in my lap?"

  
    "Yes. Oh.. but you'll need to be able to eat as well.. I would impede you."

  
    "Uh.. h-how about we just pull in a chair with a back support?" Dean offered as he walked through to the kitchen, "Hey Sammy, mind getting Cas a chair with a back?"

  
    Sam was in the midst of slicing a cucumber for the meal's salad and he'd pause when he heard Dean, "Eating in here today guys? Uh.. chair.. Can't you just hold him for now? I promise I'll go look for a chair with a back later. I just don't know where right now, and I have to find one that's not going to hurt his back, and wings.."

  
    Dean sighed, defeated, "Yeah sure, I can probably do that." He almost escaped that. It wasn't that he didn't want to have Cas in his lap, he couldn't deny his feelings anymore. That was the real issue. He'd use his foot to pull out a stool and had a seat, moving slowly and carefully for Cas' sake.

  
    "I'm sorry Dean, I know you didn't want this." Cas said and looked down at his hands in his lap.

  
    Before Dean could say anything, Sam chuckled, "Yeah right, he doesn't want you in his lap?" He'd walk over with a couple of plates, today on the menu, grilled fish with a side of salad, Dean was trapped so he, for once, had no choice but to eat healthy. "Actually Cas, you might be right. I think he'd rather be in your lap." He's so done with staying quiet about this. It was more fun this way anyhow. Well, more fun for him.

  
    Dean sputtered and turned red,"You.. You, you don't know what you're talking about." He'd look to Cas and shake his head, "He doesn't know.." well fuck. Sam knew exactly what he was talking about.

  
    Cas offered Dean a bite of fish, since the hunter was trapped and all. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait until I'm fully healed for that, Dean." Did he miss something? Was he serious? Was he making a joke? The tone of voice was as serious as ever, but there was an amusement in his eyes.

  
    "This is completely unfair. You have me trapped you know." Dean stated and took the bite of fish. It was actually pretty good, just the right seasonings, just the right amount of time on the grill..

  
    Sam smiled as he sat with his own plate, "Hey at least you know now." He mentally patted himself on the back, Dean seemed to like the fish, Cas tolerated it well enough, and he got them to sort of talk about the thing they have going on.

  
    Dean was about to say something to Sam in a mocking tone, but he ended up with another mouthful of fish. Cas just gave an innocent look and took a bite for himself, his own was salad.

  
    "So I was thinking about coming to the room to get you out for a walk down the hall, but I guess that's taken care of now." Sam said. "I have a supply run to make today after we check your bandages, I can pick up some games, maybe a few puzzles. You'll feel less like you're just laying around waiting if you have to use your brain."

  
    "Sammy, I'll be disappointed in you if none of those games are uno, phase ten, or clue. Seriously disappointed." Dean stated as if he'd question if he raised his little brother right if he didn't get them.

  
    "I don't know those games." Cas said between bites.

  
    "Well, that's perfect then. Those games are better with at least 3 players, but I'll grab a regular deck of cards too." Sam said, "Word puzzles and number puzzles too.. jigsaw? Yeah, those are good for playing alone, or with another person's help." He seemed to be excited about his plan to help Cas with his restlessness.

  
    "Yeah man, we'll teach you how to play. Sammy, you should grab one of those bed tables too. Make working puzzles easier." Dean said as he absently rubbed Cas' arm gently.

  
    "Yeah, that sounds good." Cas said, starting to sound groggy as he rests back more on Dean. Not that Dean rubbing his arm had much to do with that, for some reason food was sedating to him. Little did he know it wasn't a coincidence. Sam had been dosing him with meds in his food to help him sleep more and for longer. He knew that otherwise he might not sleep enough to heal up.

  
    "Looks like it's bedtime again." Sam said and moved to get up, "Here, I'll hold him so you can get up, but let's take him to the bathroom. I want to redo all his bandages this time and he's due to be washed." Sam said as he moved to lift Cas from Dean's lap.

  
    "No shower." Cas insisted sleepily.

  
    "Don't worry buddy, no shower. It's probably hell to get those feathers dry." Dean said as he stood and stretched. "You better carry him this time Sam."

  
    "Yeah, let's not jostle him more than we need to, I doubt it feels good." Sam said and raised his brows when he got his hair petted as Cas mumbled about how pretty, needs braids, and flowers..

  
    Dean covered a laugh and started off to lead the way, "Yeah Sammy, you should let Cas put flowers and bows in your hair."

  
    "I draw the line at getting into a dress." Sam kidded, "I would just look stupid."

  
    "Hate to break it to you, but you always look stupid." Dean gave a teasing grin and held open the bathroom door.

  
    "Jerk." Sam said as he went inside and moved to sit Cas on the wooden stool.

  
    "Bitch. Go grab the med kit. I'll work on getting the bandages off." Dean said and went to kneel by Cas, "Hey Cas, just put an arm around me so you can stay up, ok?

  
    Cas nodded, moving slowly, arranging his wings to rest them in a way that helped support him as well. "I feel so.. tired."

  
    "Yeah, I know. You walked pretty far today, considering your condition." Dean reasoned as he started unwrapping bandages, "Hey, looks like the wound that was infected is healthier, see, you're getting better."

  
    Cas nodded and closed his eyes, "Slowly but surely."

  
    "Hey, think you can stay awake til you get to bed? This might go faster, ya know?" Dean asked as he unwrapped another wound.

  
    "Hmn.. stay awake.." Cas said as he opened his eyes. His vision was blurred but he took to staring at Dean to give himself something to focus on, to keep him awake.

  
    "That's it, I'm almost done unwrapping you. It looks like all the small wounds are either healed or almost healed, though. Good news, right? I don't have to wrap you up like a mummy anymore." Dean spoke as he worked, giving Cas sound to focus on as well.

  
    Cas nodded, "Good." he simply said, bringing a hand up to rest his palm against Dean's cheek, causing the hunter to look up at him.

  
    "Hey, you doing ok?" Dean asked, getting a nod from Cas, "Ok.. what's up then?"

  
    "You're so pretty." Cas stated and brushed his fingers into the hair behind Dean's ear.

  
    Dean's brows shot up, "You don't call a guy pretty, man, come on."

  
    "But you are." Cas said as he started to lean forward, "Pretty, beautiful, um.. other words that mean aesthetically pleasing to look at."

  
    Dean snorted, trying to play it off, even as he blushed darkly, "Yeah, sure. If you're gonna start that then I don't have a choice except to tell you that you're pretty too." He was hoping Cas would be as embarrassed by that as he was, but no, the angel smiled. But then, smiling is a good reaction at least.

  
    "Dean.. may I.. Um.. I want to.." Telling Dean he's pretty was easy, but for some reason what he was asking made him incredibly nervous. His blue eyes darted from Dean's eyes, to his lips, and back up, letting them do the asking.

  
    Dean caught on pretty quickly to what Cas wanted, he'd given the angel that same look so many times. Without a word Dean leaned in to press a kiss to Cas' lips. It was soft and gentle and wonderful.

  
    Cas clung to Dean's shirt as he kissed him back. He was grateful for the care Dean took, he probably wouldn't be able to handle anything more than this.

  
    "Okay, not what I expected to see when I came back.. but okay. Uh, I got the med kit and some clean cloths for washing and drying." Sam said as he walked over to set the box down, along with a bucket. He could only look amused when Dean separated from Cas. "Dude, don't go far, we still gotta clean him up."

  
    Dean nearly had a panic attack, Sam saw him basically making out with Cas. Ok, that was an exaggeration, but still.. but then his little brother didn't have anything negative to say about it. "Right, I'm not going anywhere." he'd clear his throat and gesture to the bucket, "What's this for?" he'd ask and take some of the cloths to wet down.

  
    "I think you spooked him Sam." Cas said, now leaning on him since Dean had gotten up.

  
    "A little spooking is good for him, don't worry." Sam looked up to Dean from his place kneeling by Cas, "It might feel good to him if we washed his hair. I figured the bucket would make it easy to do that without getting him into the shower."

  
    Soon enough the chatting stopped as they got to work on cleaning Cas up. Cas of course had fallen asleep in the middle of it all. When Dean saw that Cas was out he figured it was safe to question Sam, "So, what did you give him?"

  
    "Uh.. a sponge bath?" Sam said, doing a bit of dodging. He was hoping he'd get away with dosing Cas until he didn't need to anymore.

  
    "Don't do that, Sam. Come on. I know. I know what drugged sounds like and Cas was drugged. I didn't do it." He'd sigh and sit back to run a wash cloth down Cas' back, between his wings. "Look, I'm not upset."

  
    "Yeah.. I know, sorry." Sam stood to go fill the bucket, "You know those sleeping pills we usually take if we need them? I noticed Cas was having a pretty hard time sleeping so I started putting some in his food. Looks like half of a dose does it..." he'd say as he brought the full bucket over, "Look, I wouldn't do it if I knew for a fact it wouldn't help, or would hurt him.. but he needs sleep."   
  
    Dean shakes his head, "No no, it's fine, you're right, he wasn't sleeping well before you started doing that. Maybe start doing it with dinner though, let Cas have a full day."


	24. Chapter 24

   Cas woke up in bed, not alone, to his relief. He couldn't handle being alone for long right now. Dean snoozed next to him, his face practically buried in feathers. Cas smiled and moved carefully to face him, his hand brushing over Dean's cheek.

  
    "Mn, 10 more minutes.." Dean mumbled and nuzzled into the wing he'd been using as a pillow.

  
    Cas blushed, but didn't move, instead choosing to curl his wing over Dean's sleeping form, his feathers all fluffed out. He'd watch Dean until he awoke as well.

  
    Dean stirred and rolled over, cracking open his eyes and finding himself in a tent of dark, iridescent feathers. He'd yawn and stretch, "Mornin Cas."

  
    "Good morning Dean. Did you rest well?" Cas asked as he moved his wing off of Dean in case he wanted to move.

  
    "Not bad, you?" Dean asked and sat up as he rubbed his eyes.

  
    "I slept well, I suppose. And by that I mean, I barely remember anything after lunch." he'd furrow his brows, "I think I remember some things, but I'm not sure if I was dreaming or awake for it."

  
    Dean got up and moved to help Cas sit up, sticking pillows behind his back so he didn't have to support himself much. "Well.. if you're wondering if you sat in the shower room naked and kissed me, yes that happened."

  
    Cas settled back on the pillows, "I called you pretty." Cas said and looked over to Dean for confirmation.

  
    "Yup, and I called you pretty too." Dean admitted and rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, you ok here for a minute, I wanna grab some coffee, I'll bring you something for breakfast."

  
    "I'll be alright, I have a phone if I'm not." Cas said, too focused on processing last night to be worried about being left alone. "...wait, Sam's been drugging me?"

  
    "Yeah.. uh.. I'll send him in, that's probably something you need to talk to him about." Dean said and left the room, he didn't have to go far to find Sam at all. "Hey Sammy!" he shoulder bumped his brother in the hall, "Cas wants to talk to you."

  
    "Yeah? Shouldn't you be with him though?" Sam asked in concern. "What's he wanna talk about?"

  
    "Probably about the fact you've been slipping him mickeys." He'd slap Sam on the back, "Have fun! I'm getting coffee.. and getting Cas a fruit bowl." he'd say and hurry off before there were any protests.

 

  
  
    Sam took a breath before walking into the bedroom. He didn't arrive empty handed, he had a large bag in one hand, filled with the puzzles and games, and in the other he had the bed table. "Hey Cas, Dean said you wanted to talk?" He'd ask and set down the bag to put the table on the bed, "I can explain about the sleeping pills.."

  
    "I just wish to know why you'd give them to me secretly, Sam. That could have been dangerous." Cas said, even as he checked out the table. It was neat, a good size for games and puzzles, there was even a cup holder to prevent spills.

  
    "I know, I'm sorry.. I was just worried that if you knew you were taking the medicine you'd fight it. On the other hand there was the worry of giving them to you and they didn't work at all. At least if you didn't know you were taking them you couldn't be disappointed if it didn't work." Sam had confessed while unpacking his bag and setting the contents on the bed.

  
    "I understand, you were not wrong about those concerns. Thank you for telling me now though. I won't worry about getting groggy after meals." Cas said and moved to check out the items on the bed, Sam brought everything from sudoku to yahtzee.

  
    "You don't want me to stop?" Sam asked and Cas shook his head, "Ok, good. I still think you need as much sleep as you can get. I think it's more easily absorbed when I crush it into powder and add it to your food.. but yeah.. it's going into your dinner shakes with your vitamins now, Dean's right, you need your days."

  
    Cas nodded, "thank you Sam."


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I disappeared for a bit. A lot has been going on! Not all of it good.   
> I may have also gained an addiction to the sims 4... woops. xD
> 
> Also kinda hit a writer's block.. But I'm not gonna stop working on this!

    The next few days were a blur for Cas. Sam kept his word and kept up with Cas' medication. Dean was attentive, playing games when Cas was awake enough to, binge watched some netflix, held him as he slept. Sam never said anything, no teasing, no discouraging, he knew how fragile the situation was between them.   

    "Cas is doing a lot better." Dean commented during an alone moment with Sam. They were in the kitchen, fixing dinner.  
  
    "Yeah, I think it's about time to stop with the dinner meds. I'm just giving him the protein shake with vitamins tonight, see how he does." Sam said, even as he was stirring up said shake.   
  
    "He said he'd start healing at his normal speed soon. Well, except those wings." Dean said and leaned back on the counter, "we really need to figure that out. He'll feel a hell of a lot better if those were healed up too."  
  
    Cas wandered in just in time to hear that, all wrapped up in a warm blanket as he shuffled along. "I've survived without my wings thus far." He'd say in a groggy tone.   
  
    "Hey sleepyhead, how're you feeling?" Sam asked as he walked over to hand Cas his shake.  
  
    "Tired, but better." Cas said and looked between the two as he held his cup of nutrients, "You've both done so much for me, I couldn't expect you to fix my wings as well."  
  
    "Yeah, well, we're gonna." Dean said as he walked over to check a bandage on Cas' shoulder, "If we can fix it, don't you think we should try? You deserve it."   
    Sam looked impressed, maybe something grerat was coming of the terrible situation. "We both think you deserve to have your wings, the way they should be."  
  
    Cas' wing laid tight against his body as they spoke more about them. It made him nervous. He was afraid to even hope. "One thing at a time." He hoped that statement would satisfy them both.  
  
    "Well, you're healed up enough now, you don't need two nurses now," Sam began, "Dean can stay with you and I'll go through the lore, or whatever I can find. There's always a way. We just need to figure it out.


	26. Chapter 26

   That night Cas had started picking things up in the room, getting ready to move himself into his own room, now that he's better enough.

   "Hey, what're you up to?" Dean asked, startling Cas, he hadn't realized when he came in.

   "I am.." He'd sit on the bed to give his body a break, "I'm getting ready to move to my room. Since I'm so much better, you don't have to babysit me anymore."

   "Ok, hold your horses. Who said this is babysitting? I mean, unless you just wanna go. I get needing privacy and all.." Dean said, trying not to sound too disappointed.

   Sam poked his head in the doorway, "Quit being morons and just stay together." He didn't stay behind for responses, the stack of books in his arms was getting heavier by the feel of it.

   Cas raised a brow at that, "I am not being a moron by giving you your privacy." he stood to gather up what things he'd accumulated in Dean's room, stubbornly going on with his plan.

   Dean moved to help him, gathering up the boxes of games, "right, uh, I'm sure you want some space too, I snore, and I probably take up a lot of space in bed.. and.. yeah." He'd tuck the box of games under an arm and move to open the door for Cas.

   The short walk to Cas' room was silent, tense with anxieties. Neither was sure what the other was thinking or feeling, and neither was in a hurry to bring it up. Dean would open Cas' door for him and follow him inside, setting the box down on thee nearby desk.

   "Ok, so, I think you're pretty set." Dean said and backed for the door, "You know where my room is if you need anything. Uh.. goodnight." Dean didn't stay after that, he shut the door behind him and trudged slowly down the hall. He couldn't help doubting, thinking that he must've read things wrongly, or Cas might've changed his mind. Which is fine, he'd reason, he's allowed to change his mind. It wouldn't be the first time. Dean found himself in the kitchen, so he'd go over to the table to pour himself a drink and sit.

   Cas was feeling even more unsure about this after the way Dean left. He'd sigh and sit on the edge of his bed. He thought, as he glanced around the too empty room, that maybe he did make a mistake. Dean had tried to hide his disappointment and worry, but Cas knew him, he saw it. But it would be strange to go back now, right? Cas let out another sigh and spread his wings to his sides so he could flop back on the matress without hurting them, "Human emotions are hard." he'd grumble.

   Dean was on his 3rd glass when Sam found him. "He moved out anyway didn't he?" Sam asked and dropped to a seat at the table, "I told you guys you were being morons."

   "Yeah, well, Cas is a stuborn moron." Dean said with a huff and brought his glass to his lips to finish off his drink.

   "So just go get him." Sam pulled the bottle over to himself to pour his own glass.

   "Yeah, I'll go ask him to come back and he'll say no. Yeah, right." Dean slouched in his seat and fidgeted with his empty glass.

   "Or he says yes. Does the risk really outweigh the reward here?"

   Dean shrugged, "I guess you have a point." He's sit back up and rub the side of his face. "I'm gonna hit the hay. I'll ask him tomorrow, see how tonight goes first." Dean stood and carried his cup to leave it in the sink. "G'night Sam."

   Sam just rolled his eyes, "Yeah, good night."


	27. Chapter 27

   Cas tried, he really did. It felt like he'd been laying there in bed, alone, staring at the dark ceiling for hours. He couldn't sleep. All he could think about was how cold and empty the room felt.   
His chest hurt in a way that gave him the unavoidable need for a deep sigh. Well, at least he'd tried.  
Cas sat up and tucked his wings in tightly, or at least as tightly as their condition would allow. He then gathered his blanket around himself, like an oversized, tent of a cloak.

  
    Cas would slip quietly into Dean's room. Though it was dark he could see clearly, the figure on the bed that slept restlessly. Dean must not be having a good dream.   
The angel stepped up to the bed to crawl in. Dean startled at first, ever ready to fight when he'd been awakened unexpectedly. Cas just held onto him though, drawing him into his blanket with him, covering him over with a broken wing.

    Dean calmed down quickly at realizing who it was that was waking him up.

  
    "I could've hurt you.." Dean said as he settled back into his sleepiness.

  
    "I couldn't sleep." Cas stated simply as he tucked his face into the crook of Dean's neck.

  
    "So stay."

  
    "From now on?" Cas asked hopefully.

  
    "Heh, yeah, from now on." Dean replied, earning a soft kiss to the side of his neck.

  
    "Okay. We can bring my things back tomorrow.." Cas was starting to sound groggy, now that he was warm, and most certainly not alone, sleep was chasing him.

  
    "That works for me, buddy." Dean said as he gently stroked at his feathers.

  
    "Mm.. good. Goodnight Dean,  I love you." It slipped out so naturally, and he was too far gone to even realize what he'd just done.


	28. Chapter 28

Dean was very much awake now and totally speechless, Cas said that. He really said the words. He was a bit disappointed to tell the truth, there was a part of him that wanted to say it first, even though he'd always pushed back that part, meaning he'd never tell him. He had to think about what to do, Dean knew he needed sleep, but that was off the table now. He couldn't just get up and leave either, not with how Cas had pretty much wrapped himself around him. He was stuck, while he was a bit panicked on the inside, instead of feeling trapped he felt grounded, thanks to Cas' presence. Or at least as much as he could be at the moment.

Cas didn't move much that night, he was somewhat aware of the quickly beating heart under him. At least by the time he woke up again Dean had managed to drift off. Cas barely registered what he'd said the night before, as if it was something said in a quickly fading dream. He'd sit up, shuddering as he stretched, flaring out his wings in the process, it almost felt like fire pouring over his wings, even after he folded them to his back. He'd glance back at noticing Dean was awake and staring. Cas cleared his throat, "Good morning Dean."

"Yeah, goodmorning." How do you bring up something as important as last night when you're not even sure the other party remembers. "So uh.. breakfast?" By not bringing it up at all!

"I was hoping I wouldn't need it after having healed so far.." Maybe it was a dream. 

"No dice, man. You need to keep it up, at least til we get your wings mended."

"And if they never mend?"

"They will. You know we're too damn stubborn to let go of a good idea." Dean chuckled and stood to go to his dresser to dig clothes out of his drawers. 

"I do know, too well." Cas replied as he watched Dean, letting his eyes wander along his bare back. He'd hoped that maybe it wasn't a dream after all, but Dean was acting way too normal..

"So, wanna try a shower now that you don't have to be propped up or won't bleed to death?" Dean said and turned back to Cas, a bundle of clothes in his arms. "I know it'll be a pain, getting your feathers wet and all, but hey, you got some extra hands to help dry them. I wonder if we could use a hair drier."

Dean was rambling with barely a breath taken, Cas shook his head, waiting til he could answer him, "A shower would be nice. I may still need a little help, if it's no trouble." He'd furrow his brows in thought for a moment, "Perhaps if you keep the hair dryer on the cool setting. Normally the temperature wouldn't matter, but normal doesn't apply with injuries."

"Heh, aint that the truth." Dean said and moved to lead the way to the showers, "I grabbed you some clothes too, by the way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter may or may not contain smut...  
> I guess we'll see!


	29. Chapter 29

    Cas nodded, actually glad to have his back to Dean for the time being. He'd tip his head up to the hot water spray and let out a sigh, he forgot how nice a hot shower even felt. Then, he had fingers combing through his feathers gently, leaving behind the soapy smooth feel of suds and a nice tingly feeling. He'd close his eyes, dropping his head and spreading his wings back, showing the feathers Dean was missing when they were folded up. The position hurt, sure, but the idea of having Dean's hands on his wings, touching every feather, was more appealing than the pain was unappealing.

  
    Dean held his breath as Cas spread his wings. They were trembling from the strain, missing chunks of feathers, but still so amazing to Dean. He never could have imagined he'd ever see them, let alone touch them, and here he is, washing the dust and loose feather from them. He apparently had paused what he was doing to just stare.

  
    "Dean.. Are you alright?" Cas asked as he glanced over his shoulder and pulled his wings in enough that they fit the shower space.

  
    "Uh..huh.. yeah, I'm fine. How you holdin up?" Dean quickly went back to his job, motioning Cas to turn around and face him so he could get to the underside of his wings.

  
    Cas was hesitant to turn about, his body hadn't calmed down a bit, and he blamed the fingers in his feathers. He did though and earned fingers combing through the underside of his wings. That feeling was amazing, he couldn't stop the moan that escaped from him, nor the way his wings trembled.

  
    "Doing ok there, Cas?" Dean asked as he searched his face for confirmation.

  
    "Um.. yes." He'd take a shaky breath, "I'm ok."

  
    Dean quickly figured out what's up, and like the brat he is, he continued, digging his fingers deeper into his feathers. He didn't expect, however, being grabbed by the shoulders and spun around. His back pressed against the cold tile wall as wet, soapy feathers surrounded him and soft lips pressed hard against his own, drawing a moan from his throat. Even just healed from extensive wounds the angel's the stronger one.

  
    Cas had taken all he was going to take, the frustration was driving him nuts. As he pinned Dean to the wall, he would rock his hips forward, grinding into him with a shudder, and easily dragging a moan out of Dean.

  
    "Dean?.." Cas said his name, his voice scratchier than the usual rumble.

  
    Dean swallowed thickly and gave a nod, "Yeah.. Yeah, I'm good. Fuck.." he tilted his head back against the wall as Cas nuzzled and nibbled his way down his neck. So much for his no shower sex policy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff hanger!  
> I know. I'm evil.   
> I'll make it up to you ;P


	30. Chapter 30

  
    Castiel seemed to want to take the lead, and Dean was more than happy to let him. Cas has apparently recovered well, he was in the midst of lifting Dean, who was struggling not to be lifted.  
  
    "Whoa whoa, wait Cas, you barely just got better enough to leave the bed. You shouldn't do shit like this, you'll hurt yourself." He was met with a heated gaze that almost made him wither on the spot.

  
    "I told you, my healing would accelerate to normal when I reach the scarring stage." Cas let him go and backed under the shower spray to rinse off his feathers. Maybe Dean didn't want this? Then again, if that were so, he'd been sending some seriously mixed up signals.

  
    Dean rubbed the back of his neck, ok then, no shower sex. "Didn't mean to wreck the mood, man. I was just worried."

  
    Cas deflated and nodded softly, "I know, it's ok."

  
    "Ya know, we could just get you rinsed off, do some feather drying.. and try again, like, in a bed. Tons more comfortable." and he had lube in his room. Very important tool.

  
    "That would be best. The heaviness of wet feathers is making my wings ache." Cas admitted as he threw a sheepish look over his shoulder at Dean.

  
    "Alright, looks like we got a plan." Dean walked over to help Cas with rinsing off, mostly being wing support. "Heh, this gives new meaning to the phrase, wing man." Dean gave Cas a goofy smile and eyebrow wiggle.

  
    Cas rolled his eyes good-naturedly, "I'm not sure this qualifies."

 

  
  
    Dean had his bed covered in towels, Cas sitting on one end with a wing spread out over the length of the mattress. This position made Cas incredibly nervous, but he trusted Dean. The hunter was bent over the bed, hairdryer in hand set to cool. And he was right, feathers are a pain in the ass to dry.

  
    "Dean, it doesn't have to be perfectly dry." Cas said with an impatient huff. They'd been at this for 45 minutes now.

  
    "I know, but it's still damp." Dean fussed, he didn't look it but he's kinda particular about these sorts of things.

  
    "It'll air dry. Without the dryer."

  
    "Dude, that'll take forever."

  
    "This is taking forever," air quotes, "dude."

  
    "Fine, let's switch to the other one, don't get your panties in a twist." Dean said and stood so Cas could move freely.

  
    "Dean, I'm naked."

  
    "So?"

  
    "So, I'm not wearing panties.."

  
    "Cas.. Cas it's a saying."

  
    Cas smirked and spread the over wing over the bed. "I know."

  
    "Ass." Dean called him that with no real heat to it. Truth be told, he liked it when they bickered. Even when it wasn't as playful as this. It was proof that things hadn't changed drastically like he was afraid of before. 

 

 

  
    Another half hour went by and Dean finally caved in and turned the dryer off. "How the hell do you guys deal with this?" He wilted on top of the bed over-dramatically.

  
    Cas folded his wing and moved to lay with him, guiding Dean to lay flat so he could rest his head on his chest. "Usually we keep them waterproof with frequent grooming."

  
    "Yeah?" Dean put his arms around Cas as they laid there, not exactly the original plan, but he wasn't complaining. "Great, so how do we make them waterproof again?" The question made Cas squirm. Why? Dean was clueless.

  
    "Well.. you have to use this oil.." he started hesitantly, he was hoping to just drop it there be Dean motioned for him to continue. "Remember.. when you were washing the underside of my wings in the shower?"

  
    "Not a thing I'll forget anytime soon." Dean informed him with a smirk.

  
    "Well, under there, near the base of my wings is an oil gland." Cas saw dean's brows shoot up, "yes, I know, it sounds so sexy." he'd rolls his eyes, "But it makes my feathers completely water proof, if groomed frequently."

  
    "Ok, great, we'll do that a lot then." It sounded simple enough.

  
    "Yes, well, there's an issue with that.. it's also an erogenous zone.."

  
    "So? We'll just have sex or whatever.. a lot." Dean cleared his throat, the idea made him nervous, and he wasn't sure if Cas wanted to go all the way. "I mean, we can if you want."

  
    "I do want." Cas said with barely any hesitation.

  
    "Alright, so lets get grooming."


End file.
